Breaking Up With Someone You Love
Oh, being in love! The butterflies, the wild adventures, the epic collaborations, the connected intimacy. It’s why we gush over rom coms and root for our favorite real-life couples (Kristen Bell and Dax Sheppard are total #couplegoals).
Unfortunately, love is not all it takes to make a relationship work.
Many other factors have to be aligned so the relationship can flourish: core values, vision for the future, romantic connection, physical location, just to name a few.
So what do you do when it just doesn’t work? When the love is still there, but a relationship is simply not the answer.
First, it takes a lot of courage to stay true to what you know to be right. Breaking up with someone you love is not the easiest path to take. There may be a lot of other voices (your family and friends, your partner’s family and friends, your own fear voice) pushing you to choose a different path-- to stay in the relationship.
I urge you: don’t stray from what you know to be the right decision. Your inner knowing (aka your intuition) is the best compass you have. Trust it! It won’t steer you wrong.
Let’s talk about how to go about breaking up with this person you love.
Before the breakup:
Get clarity!
Breaking up with someone you love makes for a lot of mixed emotions, which can lead to uncertainty (how can I love this person and want to end the relationship at the same time?). Having a breakup conversation from a place of uncertainty is a disservice to the relationship and your partner. It leaves everybody in a hazy gray area. Think of your clarity as a gift to both of you! Do some work before the breakup to get clear on your decision and desires here.
Seek out support.
If you’re struggling to find clarity, feeling some fear, or you’re not sure you can actually have the breakup conversation, getting support from a neutral party to follow through with the breakup will help. I have coached many people through the breakup process, holding the space for them to honor the relationship and their partner while ending the relationship in its current form. Click here to learn more about how to work with me.
Journal!
I’m a big supporter of journaling for all occasions. Some prompts to journal on when you’re considering your breakup:
Any unfinished business I want to complete:
If I could recreate my relationship with _, here’s what it would look like:
All the reasons I love _:
All the reasons I want to end the relationship:
What I will miss about the relationship:
What I am ready to leave behind:
How I can prepare my heart for this conversation:
Looking for more journal prompts? You can find them here.
The Breakup Conversation:
Don’t wait.
I hate to be all cliché, but rip that bandaid off! Once you are clear on your decision to break up, dragging it out will only create more suffering for each of you. You may never feel fully “ready” to have the breakup conversation, and that’s ok. It’s going to feel scary and difficult-- it will never NOT feel that way, especially when you really love the person you’re breaking up with.
Be Intentional.
There is never a perfect time to break up with someone you love, but there are very imperfect times. In the middle of an intense fight? Nope! Not a good time to end things. Be kind and intentional with this conversation. The way you approach it is up to you, and there is no “right way” to do it. I encourage you to pick a place where you can both feel comfortable and safe to share your feelings.
Lead with love.
Remember you love this person. No matter what happens, how it turns out, keep coming back to the love you have for them. This may require you to get uncomfortably honest with that person. As they say, “the truth will set you free”. And it will also set your partner free.
Don’t force or control.
You may want this breakup to go a certain way-- I get that. That can lead you to try to force a specific outcome or scenario. This is a place where you need to surrender because you actually have no control over it. Give your partner space to express their feelings. Give them space to share. Allow it to be uncomfortable, allow it to unfold how it wants to unfold. And do your best to stay unattached to their reaction.
Keep in mind: The moment of highest sensation is right before the conversation. All the anticipation leading up to the breakup conversation is often more intense than the conversation itself.
After The Breakup:
Go no-contact.
It can be tempting to want to reach out to your former partner-- to check in and see how they’re doing. Since you were the one that initiated the breakup, it’s best to give that person space and time away from you. Otherwise, you’ll be throwing mixed signals in their direction. If it feels good for both of you, create a set amount of time to go no-contact (30 days is a good start), and reconnect at the end of that timeframe.
Take exquisite care of yourself.
No matter the circumstances, breaking up with someone you love is stressful, difficult, and can be traumatic. Take it easy during these tender days, and give yourself plenty of space and time to heal. Do lots of journaling, self-care practices, and take yourself out!
Whatever way you slice it, breaking up with someone you love is one of the hardest things you’ll do in your lifetime. If you need some extra support, check out the resources I’ve got below.
If you’re curious about what it looks like to work with a breakup coach, and how I can help you get clarity on your situation, book a free discovery call, and we can see if it would be a good fit to work together.
