Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
One of the worst parts about breaking up is that we often lose a best friend in the process. This is the person we’ve come to trust with our most intimate secrets, that we turn to when we’re feeling down, and that we invested a lot of time and energy into. The loss is devastating!
You’re here because you’re missing your best friend and wondering: can you be friends with your ex.
The answer is going to be different for everybody. Some people can build amazing friendships with their ex, others find that it doesn’t work to be friends with an ex.
I was 19 when I got my heart broken for the first time. It was devastating for both of us, especially because we had such a great friendship and really cared for each other. We tried to maintain our friendship-- we thought we could make it work. But once he started dating someone new, it fell apart. His new girlfriend didn’t like that we had such a close friendship. So he completely cut ties with me. I understood his choice (I would have done the same thing), but I was absolutely crushed!
He and I are no longer friends, but I do have friendships with some of my exes.
So, coming back to the question at play, can you be friends with your ex? Yes, I believe it’s possible. BUT keep reading. Because it’s not that simple.
Often, when we ask the question can you be friends with your ex, there’s usually a deep-seated fear underneath it.
So I ask you to inquire into what’s underneath this question for you? Is there a fear that you will never meet someone like them again? Is there a fear of being alone? Is there a fear that you can’t do life without this person?
Once I looked at what was underneath the can you be friends with your ex question, I saw that I was really scared of being without him. I didn’t know what my life looked like without this man, and I was venturing into the unknown; a very scary, vast unknown.
When you first break up with someone, both of you need time and space away from each other to heal. The reality is that you are no longer in a relationship, and you are setting out on a journey to see what your life will be without this person. Who are you going to be on the other side of your breakup? Who do you want to become?
It’s time to start the healing process. And this process, unfortunately, is much easier without your ex in the picture.
I think of a relationship like a drug. You need some time and space to detox from them before you explore if you can be friends with your ex.
Here are the steps to take for healing:
Go no-contact.
Give yourselves space to separate your lives, to gradually pull apart the strings that tied you together (there are probably a lot more than you think). Going no-contact gives you space to create your own autonomous life without this person. If you want to eventually be friends, you will need to know how to thrive without them. Check out The Ultimate Guide to Going No-Contact to learn more about the no-contact process and how it can support your healing.
Grieve the relationship.
Whatever the next iteration of your relationship looks like, the reality is that it won’t look or feel the same as it did when you were dating. The relationship as you know it has ended. Allow yourself time and space to process the ending and to fully feel the heartbreak.
Date yourself.
Explore, discover, and learn who you are as you enter this next chapter of your life. What are your deepest desires? How do you want to be loved? How do you want to love yourself? This is your chance to get curious about yourself. Check out my guide on dating yourself for inspiration.
Reflect.
Our exes are some of our best teachers, especially the ones we love so much that we want them to be part of our future. Take this time to look back on your relationship and do some introspection. What are you proud of? What are you not so proud of? What did you learn about your attachment patterns and communication style?
Once you’ve given the breakup ample breathing room, you may be ready to explore what a friendship might look like.
Here’s how you’ll know if you’re ready to pursue a friendship with your ex:
You both feel neutral toward the other person dating someone else.
You have fully forgiven your ex and yourself.
You truly want what’s best for the other person.
You realize you both have love for each other, and you’ve accepted that you can’t be together.
If you check all the boxes above and feel ready to create a friendship with your ex, be prepared for that friendship to look much different than the relationship did.
You’ll have to give up a lot of those “relationship-y activities” in pursuit of this friendship. Spending every waking moment together, going on trips, physical intimacy-- those may all be off the table. You’re in a re-creation conversation here, and it’s important to honor your own boundaries and the boundaries of your future partners.
Remember to go slow and trust the process.
If you are meant to be friends, nothing will stop you from coming back together and building a friendship at the end of the day.
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